Taken from Acutal Resumes and Cover letters.

• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

• "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."

• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Quotes from actual performance evaluations.

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
• "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

Quotes from Military performance evaluations.

• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• As bright as Alaska in December.

• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

• Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.